IcedVentiRedEyeGuy - in Chitown bay-bay! July 21, 2011, 5:29 pm. He told me what was going on with her AFTER the screaming match. © 2005-2021 Healthline Media a Red Ventures Company. I mean…that’s his MOM. Which is admirable, but really fucking irritating to see this wonderful guy I love deal with this woman who screams at him all the time. But because his mom had bipolar. It was this huge stupid ordeal that left me without any relief for almost two months. If she went crazy yelling at LW about it, that would be a different story. This problem will not go away if you get married, it’ll only get worse. This mother should not be involved in you and your boyfriend’s living situations/financial affairs. I wanted to contribute to the rent, too, but he really wants me to focus on paying off my medical debt first and going to school, since I need to eventually find a job that’s less physical than my current one (which my doctor has actually advised me to stop doing because the strain it puts me through isn’t helping). Instead of thinking of all the “bad things” you’ve heard that she’s stated – just smile and act excessively nice (not sarcastic) and actually try to have normal conversations with her when you do see her in person (but be sure to steer the convos in safe directions “What a lovely garden you’ve got going.. Be polite, firm and keep a safe distance. Everyone thinks the mother sounds normal? They don’t live in the mom’s house, they don’t live off of the mom’s cash (with the exception of bf’s car) – the bf needs to give the damn car back and get something else and try limiting info about he and LW ‘s lives. There are still some great battles between his mother and I. AnitaBath If someone close to you has bipolar disorder, dealing with the uncertainty can be hard. yooo you sound like a little girl “how to deal w his mother” if you love the guy then she comes w it. I blame his mother for not taking medication for her illness, but seeing as your boyfriend is the one who’s supposedly mentally stable, he should know better. Add bipolar to the mix and the degree of difficulty suddenly gets a lot higher. I’m so uncomfortable with the idea of handing over that much money when we have no guarantee that she’ll actually sign the car over. If, however, she has NOT been diagnosed by a licensed professional, you need to stop saying she’s BP. Thank you! I’ve totally been lying about the job. Thanks for keeping me in check Anita! Where is the dad/husband in all this? I was sorry to see so many judgemental and somewhat irrelevant comments on your situation. Learning more about it and understanding its effects on daily living can be helpful whether…. She wrote in to an advice column and she didn’t use anyone’s name. Partially, it’s an Aphrodite/Psyche complex. And be grateful that, whatever the mom’s concerns are, she treats LW with courtesy and respect. I agree with most of what you’re saying except the part about yelling. Hello, So my mother was diagnosed with bipolar back in the day, but it was never explained to me outside of being rlly happy and rlly sad. Have your bf drive alone and fly back, that could easily be done in two days and flights can be very cheap, or offer to fly his mom out and give her gas money to drive back. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter. SpaceySteph What’s Your Favorite Way to Spend a Spare Hour? I do not want him to worry about it, but I do want some kind of contribution on a constant basis. and they learn to how to create a healthy relationship. I’m so happy with him, I feel safe and secure and loved, that I’m terrified something will come along and mess it up. The odd thing is, I know what it’s like to live with someone who is bipolar…my mom is (and yes, she is clinically diagnosed). Do you even actually read what people write? AnitaBath It may seem meddlesome now but if they are talking marriage then financial obligations are of importance to one another. Removing yourself from the drama will make you an impartial support system for your boyfriend, which is something he’ll be more and more grateful for when he discovers his and his mother’s unhealthy patterns. I don't think my mom is bipolar because she never has mania. From what I understand, all the things that the MIL says/does get to ears of the LW via her bf. I hope that you find your ideal cocktail. The car was given to my boyfriend as a loaner while his was getting fixed. When he’s on an uptick he doesn’t go into yelling and screaming fits, for the record. Your boyfriend needs to come to grips with the fact that there are things best left unsaid to his mother and best left unrelayed to you. She moved back home on her last year of college to live with him again because she didn’t have friends in college. I just sit around all day in my panties, drinking Pibb and eating leftover pizza. I’m not sure how else the expenses are being split up, because I couldn’t hear him too well over my screaming. I think people are putting their own spin on a situation from which we ALL are missing some info. IcedVentiRedEyeGuy - in Chitown bay-bay! Excellent points. Every year, bipolar disorder affects about 5.7 million U.S. adults, which is about 2.6 percent of the population. Was diagnosed Bipolar with OCD tendencies at 16 (now 27) and I’m still a terrible slob sometimes. July 21, 2011, 5:08 pm. The fact that she disowned one son because he disobeyed her is telling. If you can I would go that route and never owe her money again. But it does determine how my life is structured. *Disclaimer: this knowledge courtesy of a not-even-upper-level psych class in college. I also wish he would stop complaining about not having money to pay for the car we bought for him/them, and then go and spend that money elsewhere. She’s become estranged from her family for quite some time (by her own accord) and refuses to see or meet with her children on a regular basis. She would say these little comments about me to my boyfriend loud enough so I could hear them. It is his choice to pay rent while you get your debts clear. He IS standing up for you to his mother. July 19, 2011, 2:14 am. Please wait some years before getting engaged because she will cause you constant stress in your relationship and you will need to work this out before getting engaged. Some people who have bipolar disorder may not want to talk about their condition, and others may be very open about what they’re experiencing. Some children of bullying parents with mental illness tend to be enablers. I just want to disspell that assumption. Love her advice, but sometimes the straight talk can get mean, and some of the comments can be vicious). I think it boils down to respect and control of a flow of information. This article explains how much potassium you need per…. If she’s looking for ways to force dependency, then its really important for her son to remove that element from their relationship and not treat these decisions of hers as immovable facts. But I couldn’t keep letting her control everything. As for interacting with the mother, continue being polite to her face as you have been. has issues, no doubt about that. Tell him to politely get off the phone whenever she starts yelling at him. Especially because she’s someone important in my boyfriend’s life, and he’s so important in mine. I know it works great for migraines, but if you get them as bad as migraines, then maybe it would work to prevent them as well…? July 18, 2011, 11:23 am. Being replaced by a younger woman who will care for them, both as a motherly caregiver and a sexual lover is a stab in the heart to her. You can give suggestions, but that’s about it. Ya, I’m really questioning that the mother has a disorder at all. Such can also lead to misdiagnosis. Can he reason with her? But now that you’ve pointed it out you’re right. I really appreciate everyone here who has been helpful and kind. The odd thing is, I know what it’s like to live with someone who is bipolar…my mom is (and yes, she is clinically diagnosed). Setting AND maintaining boundaries with family and friends is a necessary part of becoming an adult. I have been in a relationship for 6.5 years, cohabitating for 5.5 of those, with a guy whose father has serious, undiagnosed mental health issues. No. Is my Mom manic? So not all people who suffer from bipolar disorder go into raging fits. He’ll ask bizarre and rude questions on a constant basis. She has dresses like you’re wondering what shes thinking. Now, if the circumstance is #1-3 I still think you need to find a way to give the car back (or pay for the car very soon), but I also think you may need to look at this situation from an outward perspective. Temperance What she does to the rest of the family isn’t your concern. See also: a song by Jimi Hendrix. Yes, if he has an outstanding debt with her, I completely get why she’s pist. We manage it by creating a united front. Christ on a cracker. Apparently, the causation is different but the effects can be equally nasty. Who will he choose??? Maybe. I think that is a good plan. July 19, 2011, 3:23 am, 1. It is in absence of that, I hoped you were joking in your comment prior. Sure, she yells at her son. If the mother is really mentally ill, then it’s up to her entire family to ensure that she is properly cared for and/or is taking her medication. He cannot cave if she is acting worse because even a little bit of success on her part will only make her behavior worse. It’s almost like a battle to see who can be more influential on the boyfriend/son. I noticed that such and such changed around here… ” light happy easy things that don’t need you to give up any info on what you are doing), 4. The LW exposes herself as a free loading and self-centered young girl – nothing wrong with that – but throwing fireballs (bipolar, etc..) at her future MIL is not the way to a healthy relationship with the rest of the in-laws. Bipolar 1 Disorder and Bipolar 2 Disorder: What Are the Differences? Tell me if this illness can run in my boyfriend’s blood or in the blood of our future children? I wanted to suggest the same thing about giving back the car, but I wonder what reaction his unstable mother would have if he tried to default on a previous agreement. Yeah I agree with you. I mean, why are you waiting for her to tell you what the monthly payments should be? We’ve been setting aside $75/month and putting it into an account JUST to pay off this stupid car, but we’re not letting her see any of that money until we can have an adult conversation with her about it. Keep yourself out of the equation. Letting him tell you about it will help him get it off his chest so that he can just move on from it. It’s like calling a tension headache a migraine; it’s a disservice to people dealing with the actual disease. I think this is equally if not more plausible an explanation for the behavior of the mother than her having a mental disorder. Which leads me to question that she was diagnosed at all. Maybe on some level she has a point & her issues w/ the LW are meritted, but calling her a slut is a big no-no & to me, that was crossing the line. Also… you can ship it to her. But a diagnosis of bipolar can also enhance a loving relationship and enrich the lives of both parties. I agree that I wouldn’t pay for it unless you have it in writing the transaction, and it is notorized whatever to make sure that she doesn’t change her mind on the price later and then never transfer the title. Anger and self-control issues, yes, but bipolar disorder, no. She told my boyfriend that he needed to get a better job to take proper care of me…and then screamed at him for an hour over the phone one day because he told her that he was paying the rent in full so that I could focus on paying off my medical bills (I have a couple of chronic pain conditions and a spine injury). SpaceySteph Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. Just curious because the anger and the yelling and flipping out that someone who is bipolar and not medicated is capable of is extremely frustrating and scary. I guess maybe that’s why I’m so confused and frustrated about why my boyfriend won’t just stand up to his mom. The LW never said she didn’t have a job, and I actually thought that she did have a job. We moved in together before we were married, so I’m a ‘harlot’ (seriously who uses that word anymore). Isn’t that what we do here on DW? July 18, 2011, 12:28 pm. You seem really level headed and helpful. And that’s the way it should be–the mom’s hurt feelings are between her and her son, not LW. At any rate, LW, I know it’s very difficult dealing with someone with a mental illness, but the plus side is that she does live 600 miles away. July 19, 2011, 2:48 am. While this may cause more money (lawyer fees if it goes that far) I would suggest asking around first to find a notary and also possibly inquire at your bank if they have anyone who IS a notary and if they are able to draw up any froms for a payment plan etc (which is likely to be WAY more cheaper than getting a lawyer if this option is available). What I would REALLY like to know (as other posters have also said) is was this woman ever officially diagnosed? The car was a loaner, was only supposed to be for a couple months, but then his mom decided we wanted to keep the car, and told us she’d sell it to us for $2000. You’re assuming the MIL is completely right in her actions & behaviors…I was pointing out that your basis of that assumption, wasn’t 100%. Her son is her “baby”. This would explain why she was upset about her son paying all the rent for his apartment, and not paying her back for the car. Most children who have a family history of bipolar disorder won’t develop the illness. His mom sounds like one of those who doesn’t handle it well and so she shouts. It was my “job” to take on Dad’s rage and to tease and coddle and jolly him back to being his positive self. It may suck to hear all the crap she has to say about you, but it’s better that you let him vent to you so that you two continue to bond from the experience as opposed to having an invisible elephant in the room. Yes, it his life, and he should surely live with LW if he wants to, BUT I don’t think it’s right to deny his mother the right to be hurt or angry that her young adult son has seemingly shunned the family values. I don’t understand why everyone is advocating keeping this obviously stressful thing to himself. Park the car in her driveway, leave the keys on her kitchen counter, and get the heck out of there (yes you will need another car to pull this off but I assume you got the boyfriend’s car back from the repair shop). All signs point to no, that he won’t dump me just to make his mom shut up, but I still can’t help but worry. My uncle is bipolar. Or maybe he hasn’t yet because he still subconsciously feels he still needs his mother controlling his affairs? I was tired of her drama, the uncertainty, the tiptoeing around her ever-changing feelings that everyone in the house had to do, and the physical violence that happened with her manic phases. I don’t know, it seems like the LW is going to be in the same position she’s in, because it seems like they’re already doing most of the stuff. Support your boyfriend. Some people just lose their temper and yell. You never know. Her mom is bipolar and I believe she is unstable mentally, but very smart and cunning. That is actually a perfect example of how small conflicts get out of hand – people refusing to accept that there may be a different side to a story. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected] (be sure to read these guidelines first). Tell your boyfriend to take off the kid gloves around his mother and to shut his trap about all the details. Pitting yourself against a disorder will not serve you well. Lastly, you need to stop letting the mom’s rants get on YOUR nerves like this. Should I Get Married if My Boyfriend’s Mother Is Mentally Ill? I do have a job and pay household bills (electric, internet, half the grocery and some gas). If I don’t feel like discussing something, I’d like to be able to tell you that without hurting your feelings. I don’t … She has a BMW and everything you could possibly imagine. If you do feel like you’re stressed or having a hard time managing your feelings, talk to a medical professional or another person you trust. It gave me my life back. So, I’m not actually seeing “bipolar” in this letter. She is the most wonderful person around me and that’s all that really matters. It may work, (not for you) but the problem is that he’s not a kid anymore and he has to chose a mature way to communicate with his mother, otherwise he’ll always get locked in this cycle. 3. I’m not going to pay around $2000 to a mentally unstable woman when I have nothing to ensure that she’ll accept the money and actually sign over the title, especially when we didn’t want the damn car in the first place. FH replied that he couldn’t cut off his father, because his father went “crazy” if no one was “there for him”. After a 1.5 year LDR, they moved in together. 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